"Bashy Know Why Caged Bird Sing"

On day of this, Bashy sit supine, showing surprising stalwart stoicism, spiting sorrow. On day of this, Bashy know why caged bird sing. Allow Bashy to be of explaining tragic story to you. It a story with all delicious makings of major moving picture or meal of happiness at fat-person restaurant, with fixings ranging from juicy action-adventure to heart-exploding romance... with side of fetus.
Allow to set scene in ambiguous location in American city; scene familiar to you so much that story could well describe town and people of you. It a city truly reminiscent of original melting-pot ideal of America, with lovely amalgamation of races, nationalities, body shapes and displaced woodland creatures attempting to make homes in afro haircuts and shaggy, dishonorably-unshaven armpits of certain latter-mentioned persons. It, after recent moving from native Prussia, place Bashy call home.
One week ago, Bashy doing traditional American activity of “cruisin’ chicks,” but adapting to suit Prussian roots of Bashy by doing so fully clothed in Prussian attire and on back of noble pet donkey, Dashy. Quite frankly, it not going so well: after eleven encounter with suitable womans, only result be three sprayings of pepper and one crotchshocking of taser. However, Bashy have overflowing of pride, so not give up. Bashy continue journey down road, not knowing that journey be one not only of distance but also of fatefulness.... .. . ... (extra dots for added suspense of you!)
Due to terrible gas problem of Dashy (apparently doctor of Dashy not say “Mylanta,”) Bashy about to give up and head to home, when cruel fate then pierce eye of Bashy in form of shapely blonde in peripheral vision. Head of Bashy snap instinctively sideways in effort to better focus vision, which reveal most beautiful woman ever to not yet have been conquered by various metaphorical (or in bad case, literal) club of Bashy. She tall, thin, tan, and big and pert of honorable boobies. Sing now in tune of butchered elevator song, “Girl from Ipanema.”

“Tall and tan and young and lovely, girl from Bashy’s dreams go walking, and when she passes each one she passes go, ‘ahhhh!’"

Amazingly, it seem world stop for woman of this, and Bashy notice many other person staring at same woman Bashy eyeing. Brain of Bashy, which interestingly have overly-tongue- rollish Spanish accent, say, “Something es muy especiale weeth thees senorita!” Bashy agree, nodding to self whilst pondering what commotion be. Bashy look around and spot man taking non-moving photograph of woman with what look to be camera of expensive professionalness. Bashy sidle up to person and ask, in least-broken English, “Who woman of... over there... need to make sex with?” English must have been very perfect (Bashy learning) because man understand and reply instantly, “Her? That’s Anna Kournikova, the Russian tennis star!”
World of Bashy freeze. Well, it not really freeze... it a mental time-perception thing. See, if world really freeze, Bashy most certainly would have taken advantage of frozen nature of world’s female gender whilst in frozen state... unfortunately world not that wonderful of place, and time not able to stop. So being anyway, heart and mind of Bashy effectively begin masturbating like acne-laden, Linux-loving teen at knowledge of this woman who Bashy now know as Anna Kournikova. To make more wondrous, selective mind of Bashy choose to hear “Russian tennis star” as “Prussian tennis star.” As everyone know, in mind of all Prussian man, most honorable phallic vessel is Prussian woman. Therefore, you certainly of understanding how Bashy feel on day of that, what with seeing most beautiful woman ever and thinking she also famous and Prussian. Mind and body of Bashy so enflamed, nay, “enflamed” not right word... mind and body of Bashy ENGORGED so much with pleasure that Bashy not able to walk, for various reason.
Despite overwhelming flowing of mental manjuice, Spanish-voiced logic in brain of Bashy pervade and declare definitive realization of goal... “Bashy, senorrrrrrr... thees the womans you meant to wed!” Again, Bashy agree.
After crotchal movement impediment of Bashy subside, Bashy instantly begin running after Miss Anna Kournikova. Out of nowhere, large, burly man step seemingly out of nowhere to confoundingly guard body of her. What sort of person would guard body?! It a shame of the damned, and it impede forward wooing progress of Bashy, who become infuriated. Bashy try negotiating for man to get out of way, but he simply stonewall and remain whoring utter size of him.
“Sorry, foreign weirdo,” he say dishonorably to Bashy, “just can’t let anybody through, I’d lose my job.” Bashy stop pushing physically and begin doing so mentally. Where muscle and will fail, lifting eyebrow and smoothly stuffing stiff $100 bill into pocket of guard of body succeed. Man, without meeting eyes of Bashy and but with secretiveness, begin falling into hands of Bashy... same hands which badly aching to be all up in business of Anna Kournikova.
“Whaddya need?”
“Bashy need all informations. Encyclopedia of phone book donkey to go.” (Tenseness of situation caused English skills of Bashy to languish at time of that.)
“... what?”
“Apology. Need all contact informations of beautiful womans.”
Bashy slip another bill of $100 into pocket of guarder of sexy, sexy body. Eyes of man dart back and forth, but then seem to reflect decision being made. Pointing to nearby postal box for mail, he say, “Check under there in an hour. Now get out of here until then.”
Bashy begin to see glimmer of hope as Bashy walk with confidence in head, with visions of eating sugarplums off stomach of Anna Kournikova in bed.
Hour later, Bashy stealthily check underneath box of mail. Fingers, nimble after constant training that not be discussed here for censorship reasonings, glide over something which Bashy grab. It a napkin, with address, phone number, and even electronic mail address of Anna Kournkova, love of life of Bashy. Despite not understanding colloquialism, Bashy feel it worth attempting use to describe thought of then: “Bin, go!” Home Bashy go, to plan strategy to get into heart and pants (order not matter) of Anna Kournikova.
Arriving home five hour later due to being distracted with such activities as getting “ANNA” tattooed on arm, Bashy sit down and decide to take traditional romantic approach in order to woo Anna, beginning with artful writing of letters of love.
As Bashy pen such honorable words as “happycavern.” “ chestmelons,” “man-aconda,” and phrases such as “pound until cow come home, ” Bashy just know everything work out and fantasy come true. Bashy know Anna, being fellow Prussian, (looking back, it such a tragic misunderstanding) will follow procedure and write similar letter back. Half hour of careful pelvis-inspired poetry later, Bashy seductively lick envelope shut and send letters off in form of postal and electronic mail. Bashy remember imagining sheets of paper flying through air and reaching Anna, who, upon reading, somehow manage to get completely naked in .0001 second and arrive, horny, at doorstep of Bashy.
  With every day of passing without reply, Bashy begin to get confused, saddened, and anxious like never before in life, except perhaps for day when Bashy walk in on parents having of intercourse... while wearing animal costumes. Full week later, Bashy realize something wrong. Letter lost in mail? Evil fetus fetusnap Anna or steal letter? All possibilities Bashy put in forefront of mind, because Bashy not wanted to imagine possibility that Anna not feel same way as Bashy. No, Bashy come to conclusion that evil fetus run US Postal Service. Still, Bashy wait by mailbox bit longer.
    Two day later, doorbell of Bashy ring. Bashy remember thinking, “It Anna! Oh, for joys and sex!” However, it not nearly as good: it pizza man. Bashy not order pizza, so very confused.
“You ‘Bashy?’” ask man.
“Yes, but not order piz... zay?”
“You’ve been served,” say man, leaving without opportunity for question or breadsticks.
WHAT? Bashy very confused. Man say Bashy served, but man not dance threateningly in direction of Bashy, so therefore Bashy not at all served! Pizza man was liar, but at least leave Bashy free pizza. However, upon opening, Bashy find official-looking document that summon Bashy to court a week later. Obeying letter as is custom, Bashy go to court, in which judge say Bashy not ever to write “any more lewd, graphic, sexually-explicit, wholly inappropriate, or otherwise harassing letters or correspondence of any type to one Anna Kournikova, under penalty of arrest.”
Bashy remember leaving court bewildered and even more confused. Many time have American customs and laws lead to confusion and even temporary imprisonment of Bashy, but this steal cake! How Bashy supposed to satisfy Prussian Gods of Fornication Fate when so many things standing in way?
Late that night in bed, Bashy, among other thing, ponder how to contact Anna if traditional letter method not available. Suddenly, brain of Bashy, with more Spanish charm than ever say, “Lucy, you got some ‘splaining to do! You simply gots to break from trrrrrrradition and visit her in person, mang!” Bashy agree.
Next day, Bashy purchase map of area and locate address of Anna on said map. It a private area only accessible by water. However, Bashy not own boat nor have access to boat landing even if had one. Solution come more quickly than inexperienced nerd sexing hot girl: Bashy simply need swim across bay in order to land right next to literal and figurative back door of Anna Kournikova. It a large bay, however, so need to strip naked to maintain optimal waterworthiness.... not to mention possible bonus of encountering sucker-mouthed fish.
Arriving at edge of bay hours later, Bashy, hopes and other aspects high, strip stealthily nude. Bashy imagine water as being Anna, and happily plunge in and begin doing breast stroke. With very pleasing image of that in mind, body of Bashy not tire despite half hour of swimming. Before Bashy know it, sand rubbing uncomfortably on now-sensitive parts of Bashy quickly awaken Bashy from swimmy-la-la-Annaland. Bashy arrive at other side of bay, and able to see what must be beautiful, large house of Anna, who no doubt be waiting to play game of tonsil-tennis with Bashy!
Not bothering to put on any type of clothings, Bashy climb up hillside and come to back door of house, in front of which be beautiful swimming pool. Images of Anna using Bashy as flotation device in swimming pool float emotional and reproductive boat of Bashy, bringing great courage as nearing closer and closer to door, behind which, no doubt in mind, was Anna.
Bashy arrive at door and pause for moment to contain self, comb luxurious Prussian hair and gather composure  Extending hand gracefully past other extended parts, Bashy knock on door and wait for the hot, shapely ass of destiny to answer.
Within seconds, Bashy hear someone walking to door. Time seem to go more slowly than login attempt to America Online as doorknob turn and door slowly open. Breaking envisioned fantasy of Bashy, person at door was not Anna Kournikova, but instead middle-aged woman who appear very shocked to see naked man. Bashy thrown off for bit, but then reason that Anna so rich and famous that she likely have servant. Yes, surely person at door is doormaid servant.
“Is Anna a present?” question Bashy to woman at door, who squealing a bit and covering eyes.  
“Oh my God! What the hell are you talking about, oh my God!” Uh oh... this not seeming or look good.  
“Anna Kournikova. Love of life of Bashy. A-n-n-a K-o-u-r-n-i-k-o-v-a?” Bashy question slowly so there be no understanding. Woman at door slam door and yell from within, “wait here!” Bashy, a bit rattled from stressful encounter, glad to hear that woman seem to be getting Anna, and also glad to have time to regain sexy composure. Bashy wait, spending time to concentrate on sensual images to reinflate ego and fleshballoon of Bashy, so that when Anna come to door, both be at most impressive. Bashy concentrating so hard at time that clear sound of police sirens go completely ignored.  
After five minute of waiting, Bashy hear someone running to door from within. Again, time slow down, and as door open, Bashy already visualizing that it Anna behind door, running out to begin start of beautiful sexual relationship. Once again, it seem reality is best destroyer of dreams. Out of thrown-open door burst many policemen, who push Bashy violently. Bashy feel heart and hopes breaking even before hitting ground. As police handcuff Bashy and cover in smelly blanket, Bashy begin to panic. What else Bashy to do? Bashy begin screaming, “ANNA, SAVE ME! SAVE ME, ANNA! SAVE ME,” over and over, drowning out voices of officers reading to Bashy very few rights, until Bashy fall unconscious from effort of screaming for angelic salvation upon wings or, preferably, boobies of Anna.
When Bashy awaken, find self in jail cell. Despite being jailed many time before due to cultural misunderstandings, something in chest of Bashy feel a deep loathing. Bashy yell, and soon officers come by, bringing lawyer of Bashy. Despite gladness to see familiar face of lawyer who have many times called Prussian embassy and sprung Bashy from jail, there still remain bad feeling. Bashy ask what wrong, and, in retrospect, wish had not opened mouth at all.
“Bashy, I’m afraid you’re in jail for trespassing and indecent exposure...” say lawyer. “This is going to be harder than our previous ‘misunderstandings.’”
“What wrong? What going on that so bad? Bashy just need to see Anna Kournikova. Where Anna? SAVE ME, ANNA!” Oh, how sad a scene did Bashy make.
“Calm down, Bashy. I don’t know how to tell you this... Anna Kournikova has been told about all of this, and she also got the letters you sent her last week. She’s terrified of you, Bashy. She says you’re making her life scary. She’s filed a restraining order against you, and from now on you’re not allowed to come within 1,000 yards—“
“What hell is yard?”
“Oh. A yard, Bashy, is three feet, or about .91 meters, but..”
“Silly American systems of measuring! Curse you and your fetus creato--”
“Bashy! Pay attention. You can’t get within 1,000 yards of her, or else you’ll be thrown in jail for a very long time. I’m sorry,” said lawyer of Bashy, who was only witness to utter destruction of heart of Bashy on day of that. Anna Kournikova not want Bashy. Anna... not... want Bashy.
Bashy have taken many horrible beatings and fought many fights with fetus, and survived.... but at moment of that, Bashy feel like deadness, where no hope or light at end of any tunnel in world. For first time in life, Bashy not even care about fetus.
It one week later now. Bashy still in jail, but that not matter. Heart of Bashy forever broken, so very body and soul of Bashy already feel like most inescapable prison ever conceived. Here Bashy sit, writing entire story of this, seeing folly and error in ways, but unable to go back in time and change fate. Decision, time, heartbreak... they all cages from which one not able to escape. On day of this, Bashy know why caged bird sing....

... it because bird want a piece of hot tennisass but not able to get it due to restraining order.

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