"Bashy Know Why Caged Bird Sing"
On day of this,
Bashy sit supine, showing surprising stalwart stoicism,
spiting sorrow. On day of this, Bashy know why caged
bird sing. Allow Bashy to be of explaining tragic
story to you. It a story with all delicious makings of major moving picture or
meal of happiness at fat-person restaurant, with fixings ranging from juicy
action-adventure to heart-exploding romance... with side of fetus.
Allow to set
scene in ambiguous location in American city; scene familiar to you so much
that story could well describe town and people of you. It a city truly
reminiscent of original melting-pot ideal of America, with lovely amalgamation
of races, nationalities, body shapes and displaced woodland creatures
attempting to make homes in afro haircuts and shaggy, dishonorably-unshaven
armpits of certain latter-mentioned
persons. It, after recent moving from native Prussia, place
Bashy call home.
One week ago, Bashy
doing traditional American activity of “cruisin’
chicks,” but adapting to suit Prussian roots of Bashy
by doing so fully clothed in Prussian attire and on back of noble pet donkey,
Dashy. Quite frankly, it not going so well: after eleven encounter
with suitable womans, only result be three sprayings
of pepper and one crotchshocking of
taser. However, Bashy have
overflowing of pride, so not give up. Bashy continue
journey down road, not knowing that journey be one not only of distance but
also of fatefulness.... .. . ... (extra dots for added
suspense of you!)
Due to terrible gas problem of Dashy
(apparently doctor of Dashy not say “Mylanta,”)
Bashy about to give up and head to home, when cruel
fate then pierce eye of Bashy in form of shapely
blonde in peripheral vision. Head of Bashy snap
instinctively sideways in effort to better focus vision, which reveal most
beautiful woman ever to not yet have been conquered by various metaphorical (or
in bad case, literal) club of Bashy.
She tall, thin, tan, and big and pert of honorable boobies. Sing
now in tune of butchered elevator song, “Girl from Ipanema.”
“Tall and tan and young and lovely,
girl from Bashy’s dreams go walking, and when she
passes each one she passes go, ‘ahhhh!’"
Amazingly, it seem
world stop for woman of this, and Bashy notice many
other person staring at same woman Bashy eyeing.
Brain of Bashy, which interestingly have overly-tongue-
rollish Spanish accent, say, “Something es
weeth thees senorita!”
Bashy agree, nodding to self whilst pondering what
commotion be. Bashy look around and spot man taking
non-moving photograph of woman with what look to be camera of expensive
professionalness. Bashy sidle up
to person and ask, in least-broken English, “Who woman of... over there... need to
make sex with?” English must have been very perfect (Bashy
learning) because man understand and reply instantly, “Her? That’s Anna
Kournikova, the Russian tennis star!”
World of Bashy freeze. Well, it
not really freeze... it a mental time-perception thing. See, if world really
freeze, Bashy most certainly would have taken
advantage of frozen nature of world’s female gender whilst in frozen state... unfortunately
world not that wonderful of place, and time not able to stop. So being anyway,
heart and mind of Bashy effectively begin
masturbating like acne-laden, Linux-loving teen at knowledge of this woman who
Bashy now know as Anna Kournikova.
To make more wondrous, selective mind of Bashy choose
to hear “Russian tennis star” as “Prussian tennis star.” As everyone
know, in mind of all Prussian man, most honorable phallic vessel
is Prussian woman. Therefore, you certainly of understanding how
Bashy feel on day of that, what with seeing most beautiful
woman ever and thinking she also famous and Prussian. Mind and body of
Bashy so enflamed, nay, “enflamed” not right word... mind and
body of Bashy ENGORGED so much with pleasure that
Bashy not able to walk, for various reason.
overwhelming flowing of mental manjuice, Spanish-voiced
logic in brain of Bashy pervade
and declare definitive realization of goal... “Bashy,
senorrrrrrr... thees the
womans you meant to wed!” Again, Bashy
movement impediment of Bashy subside,
Bashy instantly begin running after Miss Anna
Kournikova. Out of nowhere, large, burly man step seemingly
out of nowhere to confoundingly guard body of her. What sort of person would guard
body?! It a shame of the damned, and it impede forward
wooing progress of Bashy, who become infuriated.
Bashy try negotiating for man to get out of way, but he
simply stonewall and remain whoring utter size of him.
foreign weirdo,” he say dishonorably to
Bashy, “just can’t let anybody through, I’d lose my job.”
Bashy stop pushing physically and begin doing so mentally.
Where muscle and will fail, lifting eyebrow and smoothly stuffing stiff $100
bill into pocket of guard of body succeed. Man, without meeting eyes of
Bashy and but with secretiveness, begin falling into hands
of Bashy... same hands which badly aching to be all up
in business of Anna Kournikova.
need all informations. Encyclopedia
of phone book donkey to go.” (Tenseness of situation caused English
skills of Bashy to languish at time of that.)
Need all contact informations of beautiful
another bill of $100 into pocket of guarder of sexy, sexy body. Eyes of man
dart back and forth, but then seem to reflect decision being made. Pointing to
nearby postal box for mail, he say, “Check under there in an hour. Now get out
of here until then.”
to see glimmer of hope as Bashy walk with confidence
in head, with visions of eating sugarplums off stomach of Anna
Kournikova in bed.
Hour later, Bashy
stealthily check underneath box of mail. Fingers, nimble after constant
training that not be discussed here for censorship
reasonings, glide over something which Bashy grab. It a
napkin, with address, phone number, and even electronic mail address of Anna
Kournkova, love of life of Bashy.
Despite not understanding colloquialism, Bashy feel
it worth attempting use to describe thought of then: “Bin, go!” Home
Bashy go, to plan strategy to get into heart and pants
(order not matter) of Anna Kournikova.
Arriving home five hour later due to
being distracted with such activities as getting “ANNA” tattooed on arm,
Bashy sit down and decide to take traditional romantic
approach in order to woo Anna, beginning with artful writing of letters of
pen such honorable words as “happycavern.” “
and phrases such as “pound until cow come home, ” Bashy
just know everything work out and fantasy come true. Bashy
know Anna, being fellow Prussian, (looking back, it such a tragic
misunderstanding) will follow procedure and write similar letter back. Half
hour of careful pelvis-inspired poetry later, Bashy seductively
lick envelope shut and send letters off in form of postal and electronic mail.
Bashy remember imagining sheets of paper flying through air
and reaching Anna, who, upon reading, somehow manage to get completely naked in
.0001 second and arrive, horny, at doorstep of Bashy.
With every day of passing without reply,
Bashy begin to get confused, saddened, and anxious like
never before in life, except perhaps for day when Bashy
walk in on parents having of intercourse... while wearing animal costumes. Full week later,
Bashy realize something wrong. Letter lost in mail? Evil
fetus fetusnap Anna or steal letter? All
possibilities Bashy put in forefront of mind, because
Bashy not wanted to imagine possibility that Anna not
feel same way as Bashy. No, Bashy
come to conclusion that evil fetus run US Postal Service. Still,
Bashy wait by mailbox bit longer.
Two day later, doorbell of
Bashy ring. Bashy remember
thinking, “It Anna! Oh, for joys and sex!” However, it
not nearly as good: it pizza man. Bashy not order
pizza, so very confused.
“Yes, but not order
“You’ve been served,” say man,
leaving without opportunity for question or breadsticks.
very confused. Man say Bashy served, but man not dance threateningly in direction of
Bashy, so therefore Bashy not at
all served! Pizza man was liar, but at least leave Bashy
free pizza. However, upon opening, Bashy find
official-looking document that summon Bashy to court
a week later. Obeying letter as is custom, Bashy go
to court, in which judge say Bashy not ever to write “any
more lewd, graphic, sexually-explicit, wholly inappropriate, or otherwise
harassing letters or correspondence of any type to one Anna Kournikova,
under penalty of arrest.”
remember leaving court bewildered and even more confused. Many
time have American customs and laws lead to confusion and even temporary
imprisonment of Bashy, but this steal cake! How
Bashy supposed to satisfy Prussian Gods of Fornication Fate
when so many things standing in way?
Late that night in bed,
Bashy, among other thing, ponder how to contact Anna if
traditional letter method not available. Suddenly, brain of Bashy,
with more Spanish charm than ever say, “Lucy, you got some ‘splaining
to do! You simply gots to break
from trrrrrrradition and visit her in person,
mang!” Bashy agree.
Next day, Bashy
purchase map of area and locate address of Anna on said map. It
a private area only accessible by water. However, Bashy
not own boat nor have access to boat landing even if had one. Solution come
more quickly than inexperienced nerd sexing hot girl: Bashy
simply need swim across bay in order to land right next to literal and
figurative back door of Anna Kournikova.
It a large bay, however, so need to strip naked to maintain optimal
waterworthiness.... not to mention possible bonus of
encountering sucker-mouthed fish.
Arriving at edge
of bay hours later, Bashy, hopes and other aspects high,
strip stealthily nude. Bashy imagine water as
being Anna, and happily plunge in and begin doing breast stroke. With very
pleasing image of that in mind, body of Bashy not
tire despite half hour of swimming. Before Bashy know
it, sand rubbing uncomfortably on now-sensitive parts of Bashy quickly
awaken Bashy from swimmy-la-la-Annaland.
Bashy arrive at other side of bay, and able to see
what must be beautiful, large house of Anna, who no doubt be waiting to play
game of tonsil-tennis with Bashy!
Not bothering to put on any type of clothings,
Bashy climb up hillside and come to back door of
house, in front of which be beautiful swimming pool. Images of Anna using
Bashy as flotation device in swimming pool float emotional
and reproductive boat of Bashy, bringing great
courage as nearing closer and closer to door, behind which, no doubt in mind,
arrive at door and pause for moment to contain self, comb luxurious Prussian
hair and gather composure Extending hand
gracefully past other extended parts, Bashy knock on
door and wait for the hot, shapely ass of destiny to answer.
Within seconds, Bashy
hear someone walking to door. Time seem to go more slowly than login attempt
to America Online as doorknob turn and door slowly open. Breaking envisioned fantasy of
Bashy, person at door was not Anna Kournikova,
but instead middle-aged woman who appear very shocked
to see naked man. Bashy
thrown off for bit, but then reason that Anna so rich and famous
that she likely have servant. Yes, surely person at door is
“Is Anna a present?” question
Bashy to woman at door, who squealing a bit and covering
“Oh my God!
What the hell are you talking about, oh my God!” Uh oh...
this not seeming or look good.
Love of life of Bashy. A-n-n-a K-o-u-r-n-i-k-o-v-a?”
Bashy question slowly so there be no understanding.
Woman at door slam door and yell from within, “wait here!” Bashy,
a bit rattled from stressful encounter, glad to hear that woman seem to be
getting Anna, and also glad to have time to regain sexy composure.
Bashy wait, spending time to concentrate on sensual images to
reinflate ego and fleshballoon of
Bashy, so that when Anna come to door, both
be at most impressive. Bashy
concentrating so hard at time that clear sound of police sirens go completely
After five minute of waiting,
Bashy hear someone running to door from within. Again, time
slow down, and as door open, Bashy already
visualizing that it Anna behind door, running out to begin start of beautiful
sexual relationship. Once again, it seem reality is
best destroyer of dreams. Out of thrown-open door burst many policemen, who
push Bashy violently. Bashy
feel heart and hopes breaking even before hitting ground. As police handcuff
Bashy and cover in smelly blanket, Bashy
begin to panic. What else Bashy to do?
Bashy begin screaming, “ANNA, SAVE ME! SAVE ME, ANNA! SAVE
ME,” over and over, drowning out voices of officers reading to
Bashy very few rights, until Bashy
fall unconscious from effort of screaming for angelic salvation upon wings or, preferably,
boobies of Anna.
awaken, find self in jail cell. Despite being jailed many
time before due to cultural misunderstandings, something in chest of
Bashy feel a deep loathing. Bashy
yell, and soon officers come by, bringing lawyer of Bashy.
Despite gladness to see familiar face of lawyer who have many times called
Prussian embassy and sprung Bashy from jail, there
still remain bad feeling. Bashy ask what wrong, and,
in retrospect, wish had not opened mouth at all.
afraid you’re in jail for trespassing and indecent exposure...” say lawyer. “This
is going to be harder than our previous ‘misunderstandings.’”
“What wrong? What going on that so
bad? Bashy just need to see Anna Kournikova.
Where Anna? SAVE ME, ANNA!” Oh, how sad a scene did Bashy
“Calm down, Bashy.
I don’t know how to tell you this... Anna Kournikova
has been told about all of this, and she also got the letters you sent her last
week. She’s terrified of you, Bashy. She says you’re
making her life scary. She’s filed a restraining order against you, and from
now on you’re not allowed to come within 1,000 yards—“
“What hell is yard?”
“Oh. A yard, Bashy,
is three feet, or about .91 meters, but..”
“Silly American systems of
measuring! Curse you and your fetus creato--”
“Bashy! Pay attention. You can’t get within 1,000 yards of her, or else you’ll be thrown in jail for a
very long time. I’m sorry,” said lawyer of Bashy, who
was only witness to utter destruction of heart of Bashy
on day of that. Anna Kournikova not
want Bashy. Anna... not... want
Bashy have taken many
horrible beatings and fought many fights with fetus, and survived.... but at
moment of that, Bashy feel like deadness, where no
hope or light at end of any tunnel in world. For first time in life,
Bashy not even care about fetus.
It one week later
now. Bashy still in jail, but that not matter.
Heart of Bashy forever broken, so very body and soul
of Bashy already feel like most inescapable prison ever
conceived. Here Bashy sit, writing entire story of
this, seeing folly and error in ways, but unable to go back in time and change
fate. Decision, time, heartbreak... they all cages from which one not able to
escape. On day of this, Bashy know why caged bird
... it because bird want a piece of hot tennisass but not able to get it due to restraining order.
Interestingly-related links... or are they?